Hello again from Dunedin, a.k.a. the capital of insanely expensive hot sauce and bitterly cold flats, but surprisingly cheap Kiwi fruits, which yesterday I ate four of (yay!).
I wish I could say that it has been smooth sailing and adventures 24/7 here, but honestly this experience has been quite full of lows and highs, and right now I am trying to float past one of the low points. I've made a lot of friends and I have a good schedule down, but the drama in my head is quite loud right now.
This weekend, I was able to attend a Navigators (Christian ministry) retreat that was held up in Christchurch (a city about five hours north of Dunedin), for all the NAVS groups across New Zealand. I expected there to be hundreds of people at the conference, perhaps held in a big gym or something, but actually only about 40 people (which according to the Kiwis is actually rather big for a Christian conference in NZ) were there, and we stayed at a little lodge out in the country.
It was a really good experience. Last week I had a rough breakup with my former boyfriend, and I really needed some support, and I definitely got it. But the weekend brought up some really hard questions for me. What does it mean to adopt a religious stance? Will I be judged because I say I am Christian? Does this mean I have to pretend to be perfect from now on? What about everybody who doesn't believe in Christianity, what am I to believe about them? But religion does offer me something that I really need -- help! comfort! trust! peace! And these are things that I have genuinely experienced when reading the bible and praying.
I always stress out about doing "the right thing." And being abroad has put me in lots of situations where I have been challenged to question what is "right." E.g. should I put most of my effort in socialization? Into religion? Into school? Into personal growth? Into travelling (which the other international students here seem to be doing with a vengeance...it's hard not to feel competitive with even my close friends here). Am I missing out on something by being who I am? Am I okay without people telling me I'm okay?
What I am learning is that all I have is the present moment. Everything else is too much to deal with, because when I take on the responsibility for "making my life right," I actually just spiral down into being overwhelmed and defeated.
The amazing thing about God, or a Higher Power, or the Universe, is that when I'm not in charge of "making myself right," then I am actually open to being flexible and secure and productive and content in the moment I am in. I don't know about you, but if in the majority of moments in my life I can be fully present and trusting to actually enjoy them, then I don't need much else, regardless of where I am or what is going on around me. It's a crazy oxymoron -- the less I try to make myself awesome, the more I am actually capable of being open to awesome things.
It's all good! And maybe the freak-outs are just a part of the journey. But I'm glad to be confronting them and moving towards a direction where my life doesn't revolve around me proving to myself that I am okay. I've had times here already this semester when I feel like I'm more in touch with myself and more helpful and loving to other people than I ever have been before.
Keep the questions and internal struggles coming! Despite them, I will continue to do things to push my comfort zone, and because of them I will keep getting stronger and learning more things about religion, God, and Cheap Kiwis. (Sorry that conclusion was really lame but I really wanted it to work!!)
I wish I could say that it has been smooth sailing and adventures 24/7 here, but honestly this experience has been quite full of lows and highs, and right now I am trying to float past one of the low points. I've made a lot of friends and I have a good schedule down, but the drama in my head is quite loud right now.
This weekend, I was able to attend a Navigators (Christian ministry) retreat that was held up in Christchurch (a city about five hours north of Dunedin), for all the NAVS groups across New Zealand. I expected there to be hundreds of people at the conference, perhaps held in a big gym or something, but actually only about 40 people (which according to the Kiwis is actually rather big for a Christian conference in NZ) were there, and we stayed at a little lodge out in the country.
It was a really good experience. Last week I had a rough breakup with my former boyfriend, and I really needed some support, and I definitely got it. But the weekend brought up some really hard questions for me. What does it mean to adopt a religious stance? Will I be judged because I say I am Christian? Does this mean I have to pretend to be perfect from now on? What about everybody who doesn't believe in Christianity, what am I to believe about them? But religion does offer me something that I really need -- help! comfort! trust! peace! And these are things that I have genuinely experienced when reading the bible and praying.
I always stress out about doing "the right thing." And being abroad has put me in lots of situations where I have been challenged to question what is "right." E.g. should I put most of my effort in socialization? Into religion? Into school? Into personal growth? Into travelling (which the other international students here seem to be doing with a vengeance...it's hard not to feel competitive with even my close friends here). Am I missing out on something by being who I am? Am I okay without people telling me I'm okay?
What I am learning is that all I have is the present moment. Everything else is too much to deal with, because when I take on the responsibility for "making my life right," I actually just spiral down into being overwhelmed and defeated.
The amazing thing about God, or a Higher Power, or the Universe, is that when I'm not in charge of "making myself right," then I am actually open to being flexible and secure and productive and content in the moment I am in. I don't know about you, but if in the majority of moments in my life I can be fully present and trusting to actually enjoy them, then I don't need much else, regardless of where I am or what is going on around me. It's a crazy oxymoron -- the less I try to make myself awesome, the more I am actually capable of being open to awesome things.
It's all good! And maybe the freak-outs are just a part of the journey. But I'm glad to be confronting them and moving towards a direction where my life doesn't revolve around me proving to myself that I am okay. I've had times here already this semester when I feel like I'm more in touch with myself and more helpful and loving to other people than I ever have been before.
Keep the questions and internal struggles coming! Despite them, I will continue to do things to push my comfort zone, and because of them I will keep getting stronger and learning more things about religion, God, and Cheap Kiwis. (Sorry that conclusion was really lame but I really wanted it to work!!)